Recovery

Four things from the last three extraordinary days:

One. I met Jenny for coffee Sunday with Griff and Ella. Jenny is part of our baby sitting “matrix”. Ella calls her “my Jenny”. She is a former student of mine who I had the great pleasure of teaching both as an undergraduate and as a graduate student. She has impossibly blue eyes - really, they take your breath away. She has kewpie doll cuteness which hides the tough Jersey girl she is. She wanted to get council from me about her life, just beginning, as an actor.

As Ella and Griffen devoured a scone and some lemonade, Jenny told me she feels like she’s in a funk professionally and is thinking about applying to an M.F.A. or PhD. program. What did I think, she wanted to know. I asked her what she was afraid of. We whittled it down to this: that twenty years from now she was going to call me to have exactly the same conversation. I told her we couldn’t possibly have this conversation even next week, much less twenty years from now, the way life continually changes, continually evolves. I told her that applying to an M.F.A. program because you’re in a fallow patch is silly (fallow: farmland left intentionally unsown for a time to restore its fertility), and that PhD. programs are for people who really want to study something in depth. I asked her if there was anything she could think of that she could imagine writing a small book about after studying it for several years. She said no, nothing off the top of her head. We agreed a PhD. program is not for her either.

It used to be that when people like Jenny in places like Philadelphia felt stuck, they ran off to New York or L.A. But more and more, they play into the university pyramid scheme, and run off to get graduate training (if they can get in somewhere). For a few years they get completely exhausted, stimulated and in debt by fine training and rich experiences, then most of them return to versions of the life Jenny is living, except with the burden of even higher expectations, and the weight of broken dreams when they aren’t met. I asked Jenny what she wanted as an actor.

“Ben, I want a version of the life you have, “ she said with a wry smile. I flushed. It was not the first time I have been identified as a role model to my face. The experience is simultaneously sweet and nerve-wracking. Griff complained that he was bored.

For the next ten minutes I talked almost nonstop about why it was important for her stay put. “The people who know you best, who value your talents, are right here. They are going to grow up around you and take you with them as they evolve and do all sorts of cool things. You just have to have faith that you’re not going to turn into an old piece of rotten fruit in the mean time. Believe me, I know how tough it is to meet the other friends, the ones who aren’t artists, who are buying new cars and saving money in I.R.A.s and taking expensive vacations. But ask them if they love what they do. Most of them will tell you no. They grit their teeth to get through it. This is our great trade-off: the deep satisfaction of loving what we do for the Caribbean vacation. Let’s think of ways you can love what you’re doing more.”

Jenny and I talked about the “other career”. She has a gift for working with children, and I suggested she look into that area. “You are an actor, “ I told her, “you will be for the rest of your life. Finding the other career doesn’t mean you’re giving up or you’re a loser. It means you’re taking care of yourself.” We hugged at parting and told each other that how special we felt each other to be. It’s the kind of intimate, non-sexual relationship a teacher can have with a student, filled with passionate connection but no gooey stuff. I am Jenny’s mentor, and she is no longer my student. She is my dear friend.

Two. I met with a group of fabulous local actors downtown on Monday to take part in a workshop led by Bobbi, Philadelphia’s mistress of improvisation. For six hours, with a short break for lunch, she led us into the fascinating world of non-comic long-form improvisation. It was food for the soul, being with my “tribe” under the instruction of an inspiring and gifted teacher.

Bobbi models performing arts pedagogy at it’s finest. She is infectiously enthusiastic, organized but admits when she’s gone off the rails, deeply human and non-judgmental. Her approach to teaching can be encapsulated by the “philosophy of moo”: when anyone made a mistake during the series of warm-up exercises we did together, the rest of the group made a “cow gesture” and bellows “Moo!” This tactic makes an appearance in The Actor’s Way. I learned it from a high-school student I had been working with. But it is Bobbi’s invention. So I came into contact “backwards” with the originator of a technique I admire greatly. It smashes to pieces the insecurity we all feel during these warm-ups (yes, even the group of “pros” Bobbi had assembled on Monday). And it says right away that we don’t care about judgment, we care about participation.

Long-form improv has a relation to Revival. In fact, Revival is long-form improv, but with less structure and more overt spiritual content. Bobbi showed us the elaborate techniques used by long-form groups to create the material they work from during their presentations. As an actor, t was like getting a bunch of new toys. We leapt into the work, raced through it much to fast, resorted to the comic choices anyway out of our excitement, and at the end couldn’t wait for more.

Bobbi wants to create a company devoted to long-form improv. I told her “I’m in”. During a break, I sat with Catherine and Megan, two great actors and Moms. I am Godfather to Meg’s new daughter Willa, and Catherine has twin girls. Both are married to accomplished theatre artist husbands, and so the three of us are living variations of the same life. We scarfed down lunch and commiserated about the stresses of child care for the citizen-actor, and we assured each other that the kids are going to be fine. This was my tribe at work, holding each other in loving care, then dazzling each other with artistic provocation. During the workshop, Catherine and I shared a remarkable sequence about two young people getting stoned around a camp fire, and then losing their virginity to each other. Remarkable.

Three. That afternoon, I raced to the Drexel university School of Medicine. The cast of July 7th, 1994 had been invited to do a reading of the play for an audience of med school students and faculty. The play was written by Donald Margulies while his wife was a clinic doctor in New Haven, and it is essentially about her experience there. Several doctors who saw it when we performed it last summer stopped me in the parking lot after the pay and told me what an important play they thought it was. It was this same feeling that apparently led someone to put this reading together, disorganized though it was.

So I moved from my wider tribe to my “village”: the actors from People’s Light. We set up in one of those medical auditoriums with fixed seats behind long curved desks. We pushed the overhead projectors out of the way and cobbled together a semblance of “set” using stools and chairs. David, our director, came to run the slides used to translate the scenes that half in Spanish. The students came in munching on steam-table food that I assumed had been used as an enticement to get them to show up. They looked to me like high school students, but perhaps this is a sign of my age.

We in the cast have developed an unusually strong connection to this script. It is, in my opinion, beautifully written: poetic and yet precise about the stresses the young female doctor meets during the course of her day. The play ends with her returning home to her husband (who I played), a stay at home Dad for their two year old, working on his dissertation. After a conversation about the what was on TV that night, he tells her about the day he spent with their son. It could easily have been a conversation lifted verbatim form one of many I have had with Susan. Kate, the doctor wife, has had the day from hell, and at the end, all she can do is ask him to recite Goodnight Moon to her. I was a weeping mess the very first time I read it, and this emotional connection to the play has remained, six months after I have finished performing it.

Monday night, I was especially vulnerable. It had been a rough night with Ella the night before, three wake-ups. It had been a long day with the workshop downtown. And watching the young med students watch the play, I was deep in that actor-audience connection I wrote about earlier. I felt the ministry of this play flowing through me like a river, and when it came time for me to play the final scene with Kathryn, I fought to keep the tears in check until the appropriate place:

Goodnight little house
And goodnight mouse
Goodnight comb
And goodnight brush
Goodnight nobody
Goodnight mush
And goodnight to the old lady whispering hush
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere.

There we were, holding each other, dripping in our river, on stools in front of med students who were themselves twitchy with emotion, some wiping away tears, bringing the ministry of artists to the healers. Half of them stood up at the end. Not bad.

Four. The next day, I drove to Baltimore to see Yitzak.

In The Rooms, I have heard endless stories about recovery houses, stories from people who lost everything and had to start over. But I have never been face to face to with it, until now. Yitzak is living in room the size of Griffen’s with two other adult men. His belongings are on the floor because he has nowhere to put them. He is doing service to this house by cooking and shopping for the group, but feels no one really appreciates it.

Last September, his wife called me to the house they shared not far from where I live. She wanted my help throwing him out. They lived in a large and well-appointed house, and I found Yitzak in his underwear, standing in the kitchen, mumbling. For the next hour I tried to convince him to let me drive him to detox center not far away. He refused. We threatened to call the cops. He then said he would go in the morning, and he did. Three weeks later he tried to kill himself.

Last Tuesday was his 60th birthday, and I took him out to lunch. We had a wonderful time, talking recovery and the life of the spirit. I asked him if he can feel gratitude at all. “Yes, “ he answered, “a thousand times a day. You know, God has done us a favor, “ he continued, “other people can talk about theology over of a glass of vodka, but for us, it is life and death.” I thought of Samuel Bownas and the necessary life-transformation before spiritual re-birth. Yitzak told me about a visit he made to this recovery house a week before he finally moved here. On the way home, the car he and his wife were in seemed to be followed by a Jeep with the word “Rubicon” on the side. “Do you know this word?” he asked me. I said I didn’t. “It is the name of the river Julius Caesar crossed that marked the point of no return. Why that word on this day? What do you think?” Grasping for something wise to say from my thinking on Quaker prophesy, I said it didn’t matter to me whether or not God was actually speaking to him through that strange car, what mattered was how he interpreted it, and what effect that interpretation had on his life.

Yitzak is moving out of the recovery house soon. Two young thugs there have made his life unbearable and he fears for his sobriety if he stays. He has made some valuable connections through the Orthodox Jewish community, and he described the ways he thinks they will support him. He laid out some promising scenarios for future employment. He has begun to play his violin again.

Yitzak says all the right things, but this has always been so. He had 137 days free of the bondage of addiction last Tuesday, but we both know his recovery is fragile, and his record staying sober is poor. He says he is changed, that this time it is different, that he has embraced recovery in a way he never has before. When a recovering person says things like that, you can only hold him, and pray that it is true. But there is no doubt that the externals have changed radically for him, and this may be a great blessing indeed.

“We are judged not by our thoughts but by our actions” my minister said last Sunday. I pray that Yitzak’s actions remain extraordinary.

Spoke to Yitzak yesterday. He is still in residential rehab outside Baltimore. He called a few days ago to say his wife was filing for divorce. This wasn’t a surprise to anyone, but it left him with a heavy heart. Yesterday’s call was entirely different. He called to say that he has found himself filled with an unexplainable serenity, a great sense that a burden has been lifted from him, and a pure belief that God is looking out for him. It’s what we in The Rooms call riding a “Pink Cloud”. I don’t use that term dismissively. When you’re on a Pink Cloud, I say sit back and get comfortable. And Yitzak is aware of the fleetingness of experience, that he may not feel this way tomorrow. But we spoke about how moving through the thing you are most scared of can be a great purifier. In my judgment, Yitzak has passed an enormous spiritual test: he has lost virtually everything – career, family, home - but he remains hopeful. It is a passage you hear about over and over in The Rooms. It is not a test I have ever faced, and I hope I never will. I am one of the lucky ones.

More and more, I am convinced that this cycle of addiction and recovery is the 20th and 21st century’s version of both Joseph’s Campbell’s Hero’s Journey, and the life-transforming experience that Samuel Bownas speak about. It is a metaphorical journey to Hades, actually lived, and those of us lucky and strong enough to make it out alive are spiritually altered, there is no way not to be. The difference today is that we have many ways of speaking about that spiritual alteration, whereas Bownas and his contemporaries in the Quaker community would have said we had accepted Christ as our savior, or that we had opened ourselves to the Holy Spirit. But these are secular times, and so we must create terms like Higher Power, Inner Light or even psychological transformation to describe what is essentially the same thing: the rebirth of the human spirit after getting really close to death. And it is vitally important that we honor whatever language a person uses to describe this transformation, and not demand the supremacy of one language over another. Language is the creation of man and therefore fallible – a central Quaker belief. But the experience of new spiritual life is real, universal and indescribable. It happened to Fox, who afterwards created the Religious Society of Friends. It happened to John Coltane, who never went to The Rooms, but was transformed after facing down his demons, and created “A Love Supreme”. It happened to Anne Lamott, who sobered up, joined St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church and wrote Traveling Mercies. And me? I would never put myself in that company, but I can use them as my inspiration.

Speaking of careers, the whole issue of “what ifs” came nosing out of it dirty little hole the other night. I had just finished watching “Lost”, a T.V. series Susan and I are addicted to. Really, it’s a fascinating series, in which a group of people are stranded on a tropical island, and all sorts of inexplicable things begin to happen to them. The second season is gathering around a conflict between Jack, the doctor and de-facto leader of the group, and a character named Locke, who, after being wheel chair bound, mysteriously regained the use of his legs after their plane crashed on the island. The conflict between Jack and Locke is about faith. Jack doesn’t want to deal with it if it can’t be logically explained. Locke talks a great deal about “destiny”, and enters into the situations the island leads him to with a sense of wonder and unquestioning faith, faith that this is what was meant to be. How could I not be gripped?

The actor playing Locke is named Terry O’Quinn, and he and I share a resemblance. Knowing that this series was cast with an ensemble of newcomers and relative unknowns (except for Dominic Monegan, the actor who played Pippin in the Lord of The Rings movies), I was suddenly seized with envy of Terry, thinking: that could have been me. If I had been a bit more adventurous and had given L.A. a try, if I hadn’t been paralyzed with alcoholism, if, if if . . . How I fantasize about acting in a hit T.V. series shot in Hawaii, and how easily I forget that if it were true, Griffen and Ella wouldn’t be alive, and the struggles I endure now would be replaced by others, like the ones Terry had to endure on the way to playing Locke. The darkness says, you’re a loser Ben, and what’s worse, you could have been a winner, like Terry.

What pulls me back into the light is my family and my work. Pulling on the costumes I wear for Jason and exploring these wild and wonderful characters, hearing the extraordinary sound of intergenerational laughter from the audience, feeling my kinship to the artists I work with and to the audience I serve. It’s a kinship I share with Terry O’Quinn, and with actors everywhere, and I am comforted by the truth that it doesn’t matter where you act, it matters that you act at all, and act well.

This morning, we played for a school group of about 12 kids and a handful of teachers (the theater holds 175). Peter, who plays a bunch of roles in the play, was grumpy about having to put on all his make-up for such a small group. I was surprised to find that I wasn’t. Something has changed in me. Others have witnessed it. This summer, my friend Kathryn who was my partner on stage in two of the three short plays I acted in for 30Fest, said to me during a tech rehearsal, “So what’s up with you? You’re different – good different”. Abbey, during a conference about the upcoming season at the theater, commented, “People have been glad to have you around Ben. Please take this in the best possible way, they tell me, ‘It’s like the good Ben is here!’” Here’s what I told Kathryn, but couldn’t say to Abbey: I have God in my life now.

I think, very quietly, and with no fanfare, I have been born again. It took about 13 years, beginning with my surrender to my addiction and having its apotheosis through The Religious Society of Friends. It has been a slow motion conversion. And I feel in my struggle and pain around being denied tenure, I have passed through a rite of purification, and what had been closed up inside has finally unfolded on the outside. It is private – I don’t talk about it unless asked, and then only to those who I feel can hear it without alarm or confusion. And it’s not scripture based. It’s not even Christocentric by any conventional standard, although I was deeply moved by Anne Lamott's account of her conversion. In it, she imagined Christ following her around as a stray dog, and then sitting in the corner of her room, a hunched and shadowy figure, until finally she stood up in her misery and said, “Okay! You can come in!”. Nothing that dramatic for me, but I relate to the sense of being pursued by Something with enormous spiritual goodness. For me, S/He hovers, or sits near me like the angels in Wenders’ movie Wings of Desire. I feel renewed by my Suitor, and I have held the image of Jesus in my mind during meeting for worship, seeing Him sit amongst us, occasionally sliding off his bench to wash someone’s feet.

I have just finished reading the 19th century journal of American Quaker John Woolman. I figured, if I have set out to write a 21st century Quaker journal, I might as well read the most famous one I can find from the past. Woolman’s journal is even more widely read that Fox’s, in part because he articulates spirit-based positions on economic justice that were far ahead of his time, in part because his ministry to abolish slavery is so forceful and so personal, in part because the quality of his faith is overpowering. I confess, friends, I felt ashamed at my puny faith when I hold it against John’s, who could not meet a moment in his life without being completely aware of the spiritual implications of it. He took the principal of living one’s faith to the logical extreme, and famously refused to wear dyed clothes because he felt the use of dyes to be both ostentatious, and leading to the oppression of those forced to make them. I fear that if poor John were alive today, her would throw himself from the Ben Franklin bridge in despair, so deeply into the darkness – by his definition - we have drifted as country.

But I also saw that I can’t be an 18th century Quaker in the 21st century. I feel I am called to Quaker ministry in the terms of my own time, and live in the world I have been given. Too often, I fear, Quakers use examples like Woolman as ways to prop up defeatist positions. The only way John is useful to us today is if he propels us forward into action. We cannot wallow in regret at the sad state of the world, and the inability of our Society to bring Divine Light more fully to earth. We must trust in continuing revelation – that we are just as much agents of God’s will as was John Woolman, each to our own measure.

Yitzak called me the other day. He spent eleven days in the psychiatric hospital in Norristown. “It was a real hell-hole, “ he said to me, “there are people there who are only half human”. He has been sent to a residential rehab center for addiction recovery in Baltimore. I will try to get down there to see him over the next couple of weeks.

Yitzak and I know each other through a kind of undercover fellowship that exists to help people recover from addiction. I’m not supposed to mention it in print, so I’ll have write in code. I will call it The Rooms. I am Yitzak’s mentor in The Rooms. I feel bad bringing it up at all, but it forms a spiritual foundation for everything I do, and the lessons I have learned in those rooms inform most of the choices I make today.

Samuel Bownas was a 17th century English Quaker who wrote a book called The Descriptions and Qualifications of a Gospel Minister. It is a book meant to help experienced Friends guide younger ones through the challenges posed by Quaker ministry, especially the fact of its spontaneity. Bownas writes that “inspiration or revelation from God by his Spirit is of absolute necessity to guide a minister in his ministry”. He describes this revelation as a life-transforming event, one that has the same qualities of a baptism. Through the events leading to the revelation, one is born again, one’s life is transformed, and forever after one may look back on one’s life as a kind of “before and after” story arranged around this transformational event.

Being released from the bondage of addiction has that transformational quality, and the fellowship Yitzak and I belong to sees that release in spiritual terms. It is one of the ways that these two parts of my life – recovery and Quakerism – deeply inform each other. Through the Divine intercession of my recovery, I believe I have received the revelation, and the new life, Bownas writes about.

Bownas implies that without such a life-altering spiritual experience, one cannot be a true minister. This raises the bar quite high by modern standards. Tending to the quality of ministry during meeting for worship has been a Quaker struggle almost from the beginning, and it continues today. I feel that this challenge has reached a crisis point in our modern era, with meetings offering very little guidance to newcomers about when to speak. Our fear of speaking publicly about intimate issues is much lower that it was even 50 years ago, and consequently Quaker meetings are much more likely to devolve into “meetings for discussion” - to quote Brenda Heales and Chris Cook - as opposed to meetings for worship. That quote comes from the Loring book, volume II, and the chapter she devotes to vocal ministry, which she says “is not notional, political, theological or speculative.” She goes on, “in the absence of an understanding of the prophetic nature of Quaker ministry and its grounding in interior worship, much contemporary vocal ministry has become modeled on the experiences of the attenders in other settings”. In other words, some people new to Quaker meetings think the same rules apply there as in a group therapy, political meetings or meeting for recovery from addiction. While there is no doubt a relationship, she and I both feel we are in danger of losing sensitivity to the awe that comes with connecting to Divine energy.